Are you delirious with joy because of the new person in your life? Joy is wonderful, there's no doubt about it. The only problem is that you're still married. Now what?
In my years as a divorce attorney, I saw countless problems occur when new relationships started before the old ones were formally dissolved. So before you change your whole life to follow the joy, slow down a bit and consider:
You take yourself with you
The common thread to every one of your relationships is YOU. Thinking back, have your relationships always left you unhappy or dissatisfied, eventually? Can you really be sure that was because of the other person?
You might leave one relationship for another, but you will always take yourself with you. You owe it to yourself to take the time now to think honestly about your role in the breakdown of your past relationships, including your relationship with your spouse.
Confusing lust for love
You can't remember ever feeling happier, and you can't imagine not loving this new person forever. But do you genuinely love them, or are you really in lust? New relationships often prompt feelings of love and infatuation. This is how nature intended it, to ensure continuation of the species. Without these feelings, it is unlikely you would even consider leaving your marriage to follow your joy.
Think back to the beginning of your relationship with your spouse. What brought you together in the first place? Chances are s/he inspired the same intense feelings of lust and "love" that you have now for this new person. What you thought you had then was the same long-term, love-you-warts-and-all kind of love. Were you wrong then? Are you wrong now?
Is what you're feeling really love, or is it this hormone-fueled lust? Taking the time now to figure out if you are truly compatible with the new person in your life might save you from heartache and frustration later.
The new and exciting eventually becomes the old and routine
If your initial infatuation/lust evolves into a deep and enduring love, then the old and routine can be wonderfully comforting. On the other hand, if the infatuation/lust has has nothing to replace it, the old and routine is just plain irritating.
Unfortunately, it may not be until you get to this point that you realize you mistook lust for love. And by then, there may be issues of commitment, emotions, children and property to consider.
Take time now for an honest self-appraisal of your relationship patterns, and try to see your new relationship for exactly what it is.
Follow these links for more information on the difference between lust and love and the importance of relationship compatibility .
© 2008, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, www.cofamilysolutions.com
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